~

you sicken me, you really do.

Not only has my slight headache progessed into a full on migrain but the shit you have caused has meant my family are feeling the same way and have had to cancel important plans to deal with you and your families shit.

You then have the nerve to try and call me yourself, being all sweetness and light down the phone. I adore my mother for hanging up on you.

I feel psyically sick right now because of all the stress you manage to cause. You are the most selfish and deluded person i've ever had the misfortune of meeting.

For once things were looking up better between my parents and i and you come and fuck it up when things like this could have easily been settled between us.

But fucking lol at how much you and your family keep changing your stories/facts each time we speak with them.

You shouldn't have started shit like this when you know just how many people are already baying for your blood.

I do feel slightly bad because you do need psychological help but thats not my concern anymore.

Next time, call me yourself you spineless fuck! Don't get your mother to call me up, demand close to £400 pounds on the spot, threaten me with legal action and bailiffs, have her tell me not to run my car and sell whatever i own to pay you back, have her threaten to get my parents involved when it really does not concern them.

Yes, i told her there is a lot about you she does not know and briefly mentioned the appalling way you have treated us...this did stop her in her tracks a little.

How fucking dare she think she has the right to talk to me the way she did. I am not some naive little child who will bow down to her vile temper and upper class voice.

Honestly, you can fuck off for some of what i "owe" you...all the times when i told you no, i can't yet you went and did it anyway.

Oh, and apparently you have been texting me regularly to get this sorted...thats the first i've heard of it.

Thanks for dropping this on me and giving me till tuesday to find £100 when i barely have enough to get me to college and work. Thanks for making me sacrifice paying some to my mum for when she helped me out when i was out of work, thanks for putting a whole load of things on hold that wasn't for me but for other people.

You are a horrible person and the sooner you are out of this country (or off this planet) the better.

So, if any of you out there have been screwed over by this cunt please let me know. I need to make a list and send a letter. The more details the better.

A bit of a perk up though....this is now mine



well, it will be once its released. Thanks ma =]

I should not have to hear this chap talk about art...like, ever. It unleashes the fangirl im so very ashamed to say =/



yeah, its been out there a while but i finally scored some time to watch/my pc didn't bend over and take one for the team half way through.
My epic just FAIL when the brief art history lesson starts...i have Gloria instead for my real art history lesson tomorrow. She is easily distracted however.

I really should be doing homework. I kind of am, doing some illustrator research online...it is not the work i should be doing. Like, actual drawing stuff. I have had a hard day of drawing a nekkid ladee in time spans of 3 mins down to 10 seconds. It was a good lesson =]

I now find myself wanting to include Lord Jeb in the list of illustrators who i believe portray charactrisation well and get to use their style for practice...its pretty true, i think he does a fucking good job. God knows i wouldn't be such an epic fangirl as i actually am if he held no talent in the art field.

Why am i turning into such an obsessed fangirl when they have just left and are done for a while?

Why am i being a fangirl at all?

ps. im sorry if i've done something even though i don't know what it could be. I love you and couldn't stand the thought of having you mad at me or annoyed with me.

I kind of don't want to make this entry as emo as im feeling right now but it may well decend into it come the latter part of it.

As much as i would like to say i have been off on tour again this week, 2 shows a tour does not make.

Thanks to my parents "putting their foot down" i was ordered to be home by wednesday or start looking for somewhere else to live. It was called a lesson in responsibility despite the fact that i go to college, have a job, pay rent at home and run my own car. Yes, im completely irresponsible. I mourned over this all week and plan to for a while yet.

Strap yourselves in, its kind of long

( Guess you weren't here from the start, in the end its all a question of heart )

How would you describe the kids that love your band?

Extremely creative, intelligent, expressive and very individual, aside from liking to wear black. They come from all over the place, and in their hometown they're probably the only kid who looks like that, but when they get to our show they're all the same. One of the best compliments I can get from one of them is, "I met my best friend at one of your shows," or, "I met my best friend networking on the Internet, trying to get to your show." That's cool, because I didn't have that. I couldn't find any NOFX fans in my area.

How bad is it that that part of the interview made me weep like a small child...and then get all happy and a bit smug?

Plus, it made me realize that despite all the shit i am dealing with right now that goes on i have some amazing people in my life because of this band.

Man alive!

Plus, the NOFX comment makes me a ton of happy too. If only i were getting to see them this week, tonight in my home city =[ I've lost sight a bit of everything that got me into this whole scene, my old more punk roots. Shame.

I have a bit of rage at my mother spilling to my step dad as to just why i am going to see my doctor next week.

Thanks ma.

honest to god...why would you spread the shit you do?

How can you come out with the lies you do and to people who trust you? These people who think you are all friends and that, well, a friend wouldn't lie to you. Thats not what friendship is.

I feel for the people who class themselves as your friends now as you are abusing that trust and taking them for a ride and they will be the ones getting hurt. Just some more people to add to your ever growing and already substantial list.

Why would you think it is a good idea, that nothing would come back to bite you in the ass to state the things you did? Make us look like the bad guys didn't you?
Like once more, poor little Kate (yes, names have been used. I don't give a fuck anymore) has been hard done by yet again. That people have used her and then just turned their backs on her.

If it keeps happening kid, maybe the problem isn't with everyone else. Maybe, just maybe, the problem is with you.

Not to get all court of law style on this, but we actually have evidence to prove the things you are saying to be complete bullshit. The only person that ever abused their parents credit card was you my dear. No matter how many times any of us said no, its not right.

I know for a fact that you used me on occasions. I was convenient wasn't i? Funny how you decide to contact me when you are in my part of the country. When you think you would have been able to work your magic lies and make me just forgive you and pander to your whims again. Im not that stupid kid. It may have taken me longer than i would care to admit, but i have finally seen what it is you do.
The fact that you only tried to win me back and not Siobhan only proves the point that you were using me. Is she capable of carting you around the country? No, so why bother trying to make amends with her.

Oh, and supposedly being told by someone with a mere hint of fame to win me back...when this person had not exactly been giving you the time of day? It doesn't really add up does it?

Enjoy your "trip" to the US too? Funny how all of a sudden your sidekick takes pretty damn good photos. Photos that seem, i don't know, kind of generic? Pretty tourist based images you could find on any search engine. You don't pop up in any of them and you, talking about yourself, all the famous people who just love you and are friends with you have always been hobbies of yours. The fact that such a close of yours can't be 100% sure if you even went just seals it for me.

How i wish i could take back saving your ass over your graduation problem. After the shit you pulled the night before, why the fuck did i bother? My problem? I do actually care about my friends and don't want them in trouble or hurt or upset. To me, friends are an extension of family and i'll do anything for them. Shame i had to live by this rule with someone who only ever thought of themselves.
The fact that you shamelessly lied to your mother about what was going on...i couldn't take hearing her so upset over the phone. I understand she may not be the greatest mother on the planet, but she (and the rest of your family) doesn't deserve that kind of shame and disappointment that their daughter misses her own graduation because she got fucked out of her head the night before, said hurtful things to people who have stuck by her through so much other shit and generally behaved in a disgusting manner.

I didn't feel like you were grateful in the slightest for what i did that day. The mother of all hangovers, probably still way over the alcohol limit for driving and pushing the 100mph barrier all the way there. Had we gotten pulled over...i could have kissed my license away and probably even had some jail time. Still, you wouldn't have a use for me anymore then. What would you care?

The one thing im maybe pissed off the most at? People may find it stupid but im kicking myself for it. How many hours did i spend on a piece of art work for you? I was terrified you would hate it. People know how weird and petrified i get about people seeing/criticizing my work and i put everything i had into in. Barely days later it all starts going to shit between us. Seeing as bonfire night is not too far away...please use it in yours. I'd rather those hours and effort be burnt away forever than know that it is in your possession. I don't if you don't even have it anymore, it will just confirm everything i thought/have heard about you.

You can keep painting us as the bad people in this picture but we all know the truth. Even those you class as friends know the actual truth and they are just humoring you. Im thankful that my name wasn't as sullied as i thought it would have been through associating with you. Its nice to know that the people you were a complete bitch about/too are nice people who don't judge me, who see me as, i hope, i good person despite clinging onto you in the past.

The last couple of weeks i have realized just who i care about, who my true friends are, those who are worthy of the effort i put into friendship like i did with you and would do the same for me without even thinking about it. There are also new friends in my life who were once damned to hell by you, but im finding them pretty fucking special too.

I can't wait for the next installment of how vicious we are, what terrible friends we were to you and whatever other lies you can come up with now. Its better than a soap opera. I just feel for all the people you are going to subject things like this too again.

It so fucking good when amongst all the bad, all the lies, deceit and double crossing you find some good and pure fucking win.

I really think i have found the people i was meant to be friends with all along.

These kids are pure effing gold, king size win. Congratulations, you make me not want to put a bullet through my skull. Believe me, thats a real compliment.

Gushing, emo ramblings over. I love you kids.

oh hai dere 3am and i cannot sleep despite getting to bed at 5am yesterday after work and being woken at 10.30am by the phone and then not being able to go back to sleep. Whats up with this?! Its not like i've had a shed load of coffee to justify it.

I reckon its just thinking about too much stuff in general.

How im missing my friends constantly, dreading when my folks come back off holiday because i love having the place to myself, wondering what to do in my confusing situation, needed to get inked again so very badly, wondering why people make up such blatant and huge lies to keep/make friends when it has done nothing but cost them pretty much every friendship they have ever had. Does it feel good to know that some people who are still hanging around you,for unknown reasons, are being lied to on a huge scale nearly all the time?

I had been semi willing to maybe hear you out last week. But surprise, surprise when you moved on and the promise of contact came to nothing. I found out more things about you and im so glad you realized there was nothing in it for you with contacting me. Lose my number, i've already lost yours.

At least 5 pieces of ink all planned up in my head but curses for not having the time or $ to get any done. Well, maybe a couple ~ Heres to working on my portfolio, getting an apprenticeship and then being able to practice/work on my own ink myself.

I have seen the life i want.

So, it actually felt cold this morning. Real, actual coldness. I was so excited.

I cannot wait to go get new gloves and scarf and...well, i want a beret real bad. Hai Accessorize, Hai art student in a beret.

Is it bad i have my winter outfits planned in my head already?

My favourite season is close at hand.

Oh, and effing fangirly joy at Dashboard supporting Maroon 5. Im already there =]

aaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!! I've got some epic toof pain. I blame something hard and sharp while i was chowing down the other night. I think its more my gum rather than toof but it still hurts and is bloody annoying =[

Yeah, i think dentists are made of evil and there is now way in this lifetime im going to them about this. Im just gonna keep slapping on the bongela and having paracetamol, numbs the pain.

I remembered/got sent my Dandyman password for myspaz. Right now im trying to come up with a decidedly fruity enough background for him and his bunch of slightly queer super hero buddies and finishing the page off to get it up and running.

Sometimes i think im going a bit too far with it all. I need to come up with stories/situations now im pretty much done with getting the characters down.

Its good to have a hobby right? Even if it is down right wrong, possibly offensive to many, completely rips the piss out of people i do actually admire (not that you'd ever be able to tell).

Fun times.

It may extend to here too just cause i love to spread the Dandyman love...as does he...and Superdave...that casanova!

xo

I really don't think i can keep doing this. I do not have the energy.

I've been really, really toying with the idea of getting back in touch with someone. Just to be civil and a nice person. I don't like holding grudges.

The amount of times the last couple of weeks i've been sat with a message typed out in front of me, just hovering over the send button. Im yet to go through with it. Im scared of getting a nasty reply, a nice one, no reply, any reply really.

Im sick of just thinking about all the bad that has happened. Its not like i really want to go back to how it used to be. I don't want to give that much of myself back to them again. I just want to be able to see them on the street again and just say hey, to not get fear of having to deal with them when out buying milk, to not break down in tears cause they are at the same club as i and in my drunken state get fear that they'll want to start something with me or be talking shit about me to others.

Ok, so that doesn't really paint a good picture of wanting to be not even friends, just civil, with someone. I like to think im a good person and this is something a good person would do right?

I get the whole just forget and move on thing, it doesn't seem to be happening though. Maybe if i just had this civilness as a form of closure it might work.

God, friendship (or lack thereof) is hard work.

Also, i feel kind of bad and i don't really know how to resolve a situation. In short, he really, really seems to like me. Me? Im really, really not so sure.

He's a sweet guy, kind, we get along well, share intrests (but he doens't have love for lily allen or gallows. What?! Weird combination but it works for me). Its been nice to have this kind of attention. Its been a while and guys lately have just seemed to be made of fail. So yeah, it was nice to meet someone decent for once.
Meeting up yesterday seemed to confirm it for me. He's hoping for something that ain't gonna happen. Its just not there for me, i don't think it will be.
Im not sure how to get out of/address the situation. I feel really bad about it but i can't force something that isn't there.

Just to stress again, i hate confrontation/just talking to people =[

xo

Fuckin huzzar for a random little grocers in stafford selling effing kool ade!!!! And for like 20p a sachet. I brought that shit up this afternoon. Oh yeahz. I flailed pretty hardxcore and neither my mum nor the lady in the shop could understand why. Pfft, whatevz.

This amount of failure with my laptop is really getting on my last nerve. My folks don't seem to get why im so angry with it all. Um, how about it not being right since march, i've tried to get it sorted but have exhausted all my options. I can see me needing to replace it. How, i dunno.

Oh yeah, got on the illustration course. So pugging happy about that! Still haven't told my parents...fail. Things had been going kind of sweet with my folks, lately though its gone down hill again. I don't have the energy for it all.

I've had the most god forsaken headache all day. Its too effing warm for my liking and staring at this screen ain't helping.

One last thing. I have another little meeting, after pretty much constant texting, with Download boy. I hate how half the time im pretty excited about it all and the rest of the time talking myself out of it. More fail. It was kinda sweet that he just had to see me before i dissapear to the us. We'll see eh?

Guh, the amazing-ness that is Dandyman is quickly taking over my life. For some reason my sketchbook is not in my bag today and i feel rather naked without it. Im going have to get something to doodle on while im out and drinking coffee. It just won't do.

I seem to be putting far too much effort into this creation but i am rather serious about him. He's special to me, i created him...in a sense. I may be too late to join the illustration course at college so im seeing just how far i can take this off my own back.

He is driving me a little insane though. Yesterday was a lost cause. Curse you Dandyman!!

3 MCR shows within 6 weeks and they're not like touring here or shit. I like the whole "only a 2 week break between shows" thing. I feel like we've been spoiled though and will now somehow have to cope for about 5-ish months till we get another dose =[

I have great anticipation for Saturday. Wembley was awesome but i keep thinking about my rage and how a lot of Muse fans reacted and it keeps raining on my wembley parade a little. Plus, cause its gonna be the last show for a little while, im going to savour it like you wouldn't believe.
Is it just me who wants to go all "crazy make-up" cause thinks it would be lol worthy? Can we really embarrass ourselves any further? I think the answer there is no. We do have more eyes on us now though.

An unholy amount of hours on a coach with a couple of my favourite people. People who make me laugh so hard i just want to die, its painful and i can't breath. I adore every second we've spent out on the streets because of our dedication (obsession/stupidity/lack of will power - delete as applicable), i love it possibly a bit more than the actual shows. I don't think we will actually make it to Scotland. With how we act when we get together, i foresee us pissing off everyone who dares travel with us. I hope there are some people with a sense of humor, its lacking in a lot of people these days.

I find it a bit sad that it seems to be just us 3 who are still going, who have banded together. If im completely honest though, its kind of nice. No drama, no point scoring, just many lolz and people i feel comfortable with.

Im feeling like i might just explode from happy, giddy, exciteable joy. I know im going to feel pretty low after sat, it always happens after the whole build up to the show...that and the fact i will be separated from my friends again.

Why, you pansys, why must you put us throw such emotional trauma?! You totally make us do it too, we don't actually have any say in the matter.

Roll on Friday when the journey begins, i never feel more at home.

Ahh, it starts again. I really shouldn't be here and should be planning what to stuff in my tote bag for a couple of nights on the streets of London with a couple of my most favourite-ist people in the whole, entire world!!

I think im possibly more excited for the waiting part than i am the show. March tour was epic, painful lolz and i loved evey minuet of it. The newer illustrations of mcr is something i am particually looking forward to and those boys better send me more letters too. Its becoming tradition. Im giddy with excitement.

So yesterday it was all in crisis, due to people who suck and inform me at the last minuet i was sure i couldn't go. Ok, after seeing them god knows how many times you would think i would be able to deal with it. Hellz no! Have had my heart set on it and do not deal well with being let down (not getting my way possibly?). Actual tears while in the library and then in Starbucks. I couldn't even enjoy my caramel macciato (totez isn't spelt that way but i don't work there and im not itailian so how should i know!).
Today it has all come together though and due to lovely people who i have sworn to give my first born i get to go see this band that i just can't turn down.

I am slightly disturbed at how much of a problem it seems to be and how much pain and upset (as well as the utter joy, belonging and well, lolz) they cause me.

I don't think i'll ever give up though. I physically can't.

In about 10 hours slags =]

*xo*

Sometimes, i really bloody love how my life decides to pick up a little bit. Sure, i'll be screwed to fuck the week after this but i honestly don't think im going to care. Right now im the happiest i've been in a long, long time and i feel like crying, throwing up, squee-ing and flailing throughout the house...and i love it.

Did i, or anyone who even vaguely knows me, honestly think i would be able to live with just going to one date? ONE DATE?! Tour starts Mon/Tues (i forget) and i can already feel the dispare of them getting into my country, my tiny country, and resigning myself to seeing them just once half way through this tour.

Yeah, that didn't last long. One date has transfored into, well, "4"-ish, so far, open to change, deal or no deal?

I depart tuesday and I FUCKING LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!! but i hate that band BUT I LOVE MY LIFE AND I LOVE THEM REALLY IM JUST BEING BIPOLAR OR SOMETHING, WHATEVZ.

I gotz to make cupcakes, halloween cupcakes no less cause everyday is friggin halloween!

I managed cheese on toast for tea. Just had it. Gotta go to be soon, more g.way ice dancing dreams to come. I hope he wins, he worked hard and deserves it =]

yes, bipolar.

hmm, why has it been this last week whenever and whatever i have eaten (but it has been a struggle to actually face wanting to eat anything) i've felt super sick afterwards? Like i may actually hurl sick =/ I feel sick when i think about eating, i feel sick if i don't and then i feel just as sick if i do. WTF please?
I know its not excitement sickness cause i know it doesn't feel like that. I really hope im not getting ill or anything.

I love that i basically have hardly seen my parents this week and have pretty much had the house to myself. *contentedsigh* i <3 my ma like no other but god does it get a strain seeing them all day everyday. Its not healthy. She has felt a little bad about it, she doesn't seem to get i love it when this happens. Tomorrow will be a house full though and i am looking forward to it. Nan and gramps, ma and step dad (well, maybe not stoked about that bit), my big sister and my wee nephew and niece. Ahhh, mothers day =] I must get cracking on the cards, im such a slacker. Im not that odd in that i always get a mothers day card and gift for my grams too am i? Friends have always thought that bizarre of me. Grams (and gramps)has done a fuck load for me though and deserves it.

I've become quite obsessed with bats. They actually own if they are a bugger to sew! My favorite t-shirt in the world (a £5 black and grey stripe one from asda, win!) is dying a death because i always wear it to shows when im always wearing my bouncing souls belt buckle, when im always squished against a barrier and the bastard stars on the buckle pierce the shirt =[ sad times.
Soooo... appliquing bats on it so i can cover/be rid of the holes and have a snazzy "new" shirt. Kinda like the others i've been whipping up this week:

( cupcakes for all! )

It looks a bit more likely that i may just be able to go to a (poooossssiiibbbllllyyy) both London chem dates. I think we all know its just not in my nature to go to one show (no matter who it is) and the thought makes my heart hurt. Fingers crossed kiddies!

Urgh, im off to have a dinner of ibuprofen as my head is starting to rag. Woooo for the dancing on ice final tonight. My dream did not come true. No G.Way in this final. He would have won by a mile too *sigh*

FUCKYES!! 2pm tomorrow im in for an hour of pain and blood loss. New ink is going to be mine and i can't bloody wait. Im going to cry like the little emo bitch i am when i finally have this on me. I'll explain the meaning to it (it recently got a little deeper) tomorrow when i have it.

HELLYES!!

RRRAAAAA, damn you p-nut jewelry people!!!! I want a Bouncing Souls heart logo charm necklace deelie, i don't want to pay $100 dollars for it though. sadface. Not good times.